coming/going?

i can't tell anymore

where to now?

i shouldn't be here anymore.
everything's all messed up.
i don't know where to go.

1203 - 0305

i don't know what to expect now. i do sense that i already feel a little bit better and that's good, right? then why am i so apprehensive about this? how i've been feeling recently wasn't very positive, but it was intense. will i still be able to feel? i definitely don't want to be dull(ed). that's what scares me the most. will i still have my sense of humor? will i be a good friend? i was writing like mad recently - what if i can't write anymore? why am i wondering about these things? this isn't the first time i've been here.

what was i like from december 2003 through february 2005? anyone?

i basically don't know who i will become as a result of this. since i already don't know what the fuck i'm doing down here or how i fit into this l.i. puzzle, i'm afraid this is a recipe for being more lost than ever.

memory lane

if it's your decision
to be open about yourself
be careful or else
be careful or else

uncomfortable apart
it's all written on my chart
and i take what's given to me
most cooperatively

i do what people say
and lie in bed all day
absolutely horrified
i hope you're satisfied

isolation pushes past self-hatred, guilt and shame
to a place where suffering's a game
but everybody's scared of this place
and staying away
your little house on memory lane

-elliott smith

it's friday

it feels like tuesday.
this can't be good.

happened again.

exactly what
i was trying to


avoid.

kicking myself

that i didn't do it when i lived alone for those transitional months.
what a perfect opportunity wasted.

another time, another place

a phrase that just might haunt me for the rest of my life.